скажет

???

If you spend gamble away all your birthday money instead of buying a car like you were supposed, your dad will be like “What did you do with all the money I gave you?!”

I think you do the same thing in Russian “...a я такой: бла бла бла!”

Ну, для такого экзотического перевода, нужен был, как минимум, пример.

Есть более обычные контексты
I am making guesses about what the future will be like.
I will be like him.
etc.

I think you do the same thing in Russian “...a я такой: бла бла бла!”

не понял

I think I’ve seen (I may be wrong) people write “я такой — блаблабла, а она такая — блаблабла” instead я сказал... , а она сказала.

My translation may seem exotic to you, but we use this phrase hundreds of times a day in conversation. This poster gave us three little words and this is what first came to mind when I read them.

да, это разговорная речь. Чаще у детей и подростков.
я ему такой:.....
а он мне такой: ...

It’s even in the dictionary: https://www.collinsdictionary.com/us/dictionary/english/be-like_1 It says American slang, but I hear it constantly in British and Australian movies too. Everybody uses this form.

If Bodya wants a better answer, he should post a better question 😎